Gender Day at a JAM

Details

Author: Ocean Robbins, Shilpa Jain, and YES! facilitators (manual published 2010)
Category: Toolkits
Published: 2010
Source: YES! (Youth Empowerment Seminars)
Source URL: https://yesworld.org
Access: public

Description

A day-long fishbowl structure for working with gender, patriarchy, and conditioning. Single-gender inner circles, cross-gender witnessing from the outer circle, with the structure flipping after lunch.

Annotation

Gender Day is a single facilitated day at a JAM that uses a fishbowl structure to work with how participants have been shaped by gender. The morning focuses on women: women sit in an inner circle, share their experiences, while men sit silently in an outer circle as witnesses. After lunch the roles reverse: men sit in the inner circle, women witness. The day ends with whole-group dialogue about what each gender wants from the other.

The day is one of the most demanding in the JAM week and is scheduled late, after the container has been built. The diagnosis underneath the day is that women and men carry different patterns of conditioning about gender, that those patterns rarely get spoken honestly in mixed company, and that the silence between the genders is part of what keeps the conditioning going. The fishbowl structure is what makes the silence breakable.

The fishbowl is a venerable group-work structure with cousins in T-group practice from the 1950s, in encounter group work of the 1960s, in feminist consciousness-raising of the 1970s, and in many indigenous talking-stick traditions. The JAM's Gender Day combines the fishbowl form with the silent-witness rounds that the manual uses elsewhere.

The manual was written in 2010. The framing around gender is largely binary (women and men, with a brief note on homosexuality added). Communities working with the practice in 2026 will need to adapt the framing substantially to include non-binary, genderqueer, and trans participants. The current practice, where it is run, almost always involves substantial adaptation. Gender Day in its JAM form is not yet documented in the ToGather archive, though adjacent gender practices appear in Tamera, Auroville, and Israeli kibbutzim.

Full text

# Gender Day at a JAM

*A day-long fishbowl structure for working with gender, patriarchy, and the cost of conditioning. Designed for residential groups with enough trust to sit through the day.*

Published by [ToGather](https://togatherproject.eu), the research archive on intentional community life. Curation by Sharon Avraham.

## What it is, and what it is for

The day is one of the most demanding in the JAM week and is scheduled late, after the container has been built, the [Heart Exercise](/library/class-race-stand-up) and other power-and-difference practices have prepared the ground, and the group has shown it can hold heavy material together.

The diagnosis underneath the day is that women and men carry different patterns of conditioning about gender, that those patterns rarely get spoken honestly in mixed company, and that the silence between the genders is part of what keeps the conditioning going. The fishbowl structure is what makes the silence breakable. Sitting on the outside, listening, without responding, is the work the witnessing circle does. The format allows for women to speak to other women in a way they would not in mixed company while men listen. Then the structure flips.

The manual's framing: "Today is about exploring where that dirt might be, in terms of how we see men, how we see women, and how we see ourselves. It is about beginning the process of cleaning it off." The "dirt" image is from the Heart Exercise that precedes the day. Conditioning is the window through which we see; the day is an attempt to clean a small part of it.

The framing the manual offers around homosexuality is worth quoting in full:

> Remember that about 10% of the population is gay or bi-sexual, and that almost certainly includes some people in the room. It is easy for people who are heterosexual to talk in a way that assumes that others are and, in the process, to be alienating to some people. Whatever your personal experience, this is a place where everyone is welcome and where each person will be treated with respect and support. Please do not assume you know what a person's sexual identity is unless they have told you, and please make space for each person's uniqueness.

The manual was written in 2010. The framing around gender is largely binary (women and men, with the homosexuality note added). Communities working with the practice in 2026 will need to adapt the framing substantially to include non-binary, genderqueer, and trans participants.

> **FROM THE FIELD**
> Gender Day in its JAM form is not yet documented in the ToGather archive. Adjacent practices around gender appear in several archive communities, including the Tamera women's circles and men's circles, the explicit gender work in some kibbutzim, and the cross-cultural dialogue work in Auroville. Communities adapting Gender Day should expect to redesign the framing for their cultural and gender-political context.

## Where it came from

The specific sequence in the JAM manual was developed across the first decade of YES! events. The acknowledged influences include the Oakland Men's Project (named in the manual's acknowledgements), the work of Lillie Allen and the Be Present model, and the broader feminist consciousness-raising tradition.

The diagnosis underneath the practice has shifted over time. In the 1970s and 1980s, women's-only and men's-only consciousness-raising groups were the dominant form. The mixed-group fishbowl that the JAM uses is a later innovation that tries to combine the protection of single-gender space (during the inner-circle time) with the gain of cross-gender witnessing (during the outer-circle time).

The 2010 manual presents the practice as appropriate for any group of mixed gender. The practice has been critiqued in the years since, particularly for the binary framing and for the assumption that all participants will fit cleanly into one of two fishbowls. The current practice, where it is run, almost always involves substantial adaptation.

## How it actually runs

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### The arc of the day

| Time | Phase |
|---|---|
| 09:00 | Introduction and framing (whole group) |
| 10:00 | Statistics and context-setting |
| 10:30 | Same-gender small groups (3 to 4 people) |
| 11:15 | Fishbowl explanation |
| 11:30 | Women's stand-up and fishbowl (women in centre, men witnessing) |
| 13:30 | Silent lunch |
| 15:00 | Men's stand-up and fishbowl (men in centre, women witnessing) |
| 17:00 | Whole-group dialogue |
| 18:30 | What we want from each other |
| 19:30 | Songs and final sharing |

The day runs nine to ten hours. Breaks are short. The structure is intentional: the depth of the women's circle creates the safety for the men's circle to go deeper than it would otherwise.

### Introduction and framing (60 minutes)

The whole group sits in a mixed circle. The facilitator opens with the "dirt on the window" metaphor:

> Imagine looking at the world through a window. Now, suppose the window is dirty, but you do not know that it is dirty. You might just think that the world is dirty. Instead of cleaning your own window so you can see the world more clearly, you just blame the world.

The facilitator extends the image: media and advertising smudge our windows. We see other people through our own dirt. The day is about exploring where the dirt is, in terms of how we see men, how we see women, and how we see ourselves.

The facilitator names the agreements: full participation, no exit during sessions, choice about whether to share, confidentiality, no comparing pain, no judging others. The manual is explicit that participants need to commit at the start of the day to stay through the end.

### Statistics and context-setting (30 minutes)

The manual provides a long list of statistics on female and male oppression. They are passed around and read aloud. The statistics are U.S.-centric and dated; communities adapting the practice should replace them with locally-relevant ones.

Sample lines from the manual:

> The United Nations estimates that two million girls between ages 5 and 11 are added to the commercial sex market each year, often by their own families.

> In the U.S., the average male life-span is seven years shorter than the average female. Men successfully commit suicide at four times the rate of women. Men make up 55% of the workforce but experience 93% of all job-related deaths.

The point of the statistics is not to win an argument about which gender has it worse. The manual is explicit: "This is not a day about comparing who has had it worse. We have all been hurt. This is about listening to each other."

### Same-gender small groups (45 minutes)

Participants split into single-gender groups of three to four people, ideally with a facilitator in each group. Sample questions:

- What messages have you received about being a woman (or being a man)?
- What are some times in your life that you felt proud to be a woman (or a man)?
- What are some times you felt ashamed?

The small-group time builds the muscle for the fishbowl that follows.

### Fishbowl explanation (15 minutes)

The whole group reforms. The facilitator explains the fishbowl: women sit in an inner circle, share with each other, while men sit silently in an outer circle as witnesses. After lunch the roles flip.

The framing for the witnesses (worth quoting from the manual):

> The listeners around the outside have a crucial role to play. Although you do not speak, you hold a space within which the sharing will occur. Your loving, respectful support is extremely significant. By listening quietly, bearing witness, and holding each speaker in your heart, you help create a feeling of safety and connection in the room. Some people need, more than anything else, to be heard, and just listening is a profound service.

The framing for the speakers:

> Speak from your own experience. Avoid making generalisations that extend too much beyond it. It is fine to express anger or resentment at someone in your life, but it would be counterproductive to say, 'All women are bitches,' or 'All men are assholes.' By sharing your own specific experiences, you can help everyone here to better support you without feeling the need to become defensive.

### Women's stand-up and fishbowl (90 to 120 minutes)

Women sit in the inner circle. Men sit in the outer circle as silent witnesses. The male facilitator begins (so that the female facilitator can participate in the stand-up). The male facilitator reads statements; women stand silently if the statement applies, then sit.

Sample statements from the manual (16 in total):

> Stand up silently if you have ever feared you were not feminine enough.

> Stand if you have ever been afraid to speak or felt ignored because the men were doing all the talking.

> Stand if you have ever been yelled at, commented upon, whistled at, touched or harassed by a man in a public place.

> Stand if you were ever sexually abused or touched in a way you did not like by another person.

> Stand if you have ever been hit by a man.

After the stand-up, the female facilitator leads the women through a popcorn-style sharing on questions like: "How have your feelings about yourself and your place in the world been affected by society's messages to you as a female?"

The men witness in silence. The manual is direct: do not make comments, do not fidget, stay focused.

The women's circle closes with hand-holding and a song or moment of silence. The men join hands in a circle around the women. The women stand and face outward. The two circles slowly rotate in opposite directions, with each man and woman seeing one another, often with a bow or eye contact.

### Silent lunch (90 minutes)

The manual recommends a silent lunch. Participants eat alone with their feelings. The silence holds the morning's affect and prevents the afternoon from starting with chatter.

### Men's stand-up and fishbowl (90 to 120 minutes)

Same structure, reversed. Men in the inner circle, women on the outside. The female facilitator reads statements; men stand silently if they apply.

Sample statements from the manual (20 in total):

> Stand up silently if you have ever worried you were not tough enough.

> Stand if you have ever been called a wimp, queer or fag.

> Stand if you have ever fought because you felt you had to prove you were a man.

> Stand if you have ever needed to talk to someone and felt no one was there for you because you were a man.

> Stand if you have ever been violent in an attempt to prove your manhood.

> Stand if you have ever been hurt by another person sexually, or were sexual with another person when they did not want to be.

The men's sharing follows. The women witness in silence.

The day's afternoon closes the same way the morning did, with the inner and outer circles meeting in mutual acknowledgement.

### Whole-group dialogue (90 minutes)

The full group returns to a single circle. The facilitator opens a dialogue on what came up. Often used to bridge into the closing exercise.

### What we want from each other (60 minutes)

A structured exchange in which women name what they want from men, and men name what they want from women. The manual treats this as the day's working-toward-something move. It is not a place for grievance but for request.

### Closing (30 minutes)

Songs, a moment of silence, a closing circle. The day ends with the group held together, having moved through the heavy material as one container.

## What it is and what it is not

Gender Day is a structured practice, not a free-form conversation. The fishbowl format is what makes the day work; without the structure, the conversation will default to argument or to silence.

The day is not therapy. The practice does not aim to heal individual gender wounds; it aims to surface the patterns and to give the group a shared experience of seeing across the line.

The day is not a debate about which gender has it worse. The manual is explicit. The stand-up sequences are designed to make visible that both genders carry weight; the comparison is not the work.

The day in its 2010 manual form is binary. Communities running the practice in 2026 will need to redesign substantially to include non-binary, genderqueer, and trans participants. The fishbowl format does not transfer cleanly when participants do not fit one of two circles. Some communities now run three-circle versions, or shift to identity-based affinity groups that participants self-select into.

The day pairs with the [Heart Exercise](/library/class-race-stand-up) (which provides the metaphor and the affective opener), with the [Truth Mandala](/library/truth-mandala) (which can hold the affect in the days after), and with the [Daily Check-In Practice](/library/daily-check-in-practice) (which surfaces what is still alive on the days that follow).

## Communities and lineages using this practice

**The men's-circle and women's-circle traditions, broadly.** Active across many U.S. and European intentional community networks. The fishbowl form is one variant among many. The Mankind Project (men's work) and the Red Tent (women's gatherings) are the most-visible contemporary networks.

**The Tamera women's and men's work.** Tamera's community programmes have included same-gender circles since the community's early years in the 1970s. The work is not in fishbowl form but is recognisably in the same tradition. Sabine Lichtenfels's writing on the feminine and Dieter Duhm's writing on the masculine are the canonical Tamera sources.

**The Oakland Men's Project.** Named in the JAM manual's acknowledgements. Active 1980s through early 2000s. Pioneered men's anti-violence and gender work in mixed groups. Closely related lineage.

**The Mankind Project.** Active globally, men's gender work in residential weekends and ongoing circles. The New Warrior Training Adventure is the canonical introduction. See [mankindproject.org](https://mankindproject.org).

**The Red Tent and women's-circle networks.** Active globally, women's gender work in monthly circles and seasonal gatherings. ALisa Starkweather's work is a canonical lineage.

> **FROM THE FIELD**
> The pattern across communities running gender work is that the single-gender container is the part participants name as most valuable. The cross-gender witnessing is harder to land. Many communities have moved toward parallel single-gender programmes that meet only occasionally for combined sessions. The JAM Gender Day's fishbowl is one of the few formats that builds the cross-gender witnessing into the same day; it is also the format most often critiqued for being intense without leaving time for integration.

## How to begin practicing this in your own group

**1. Do not run this practice without adaptation.** The 2010 manual version is binary and U.S.-centric. Communities in 2026 will need to substantially redesign the framing to include non-binary and trans participants and to fit their cultural context.

**2. Test readiness.** Gender Day requires more trust than almost any other JAM practice. The container has to be solid. The group has to have already done the lighter partner-share work. If you are not sure the group is ready, run a single-gender circle first, without the cross-gender fishbowl, and see what surfaces.

**3. Build a representative facilitator team.** The day requires at least one facilitator from each gender circle. If your group includes non-binary participants, the facilitator team should reflect that as well. The manual's two-facilitator template (one male, one female) is the floor, not the ceiling.

**4. Plan the day with margins.** The manual's schedule runs nine to ten hours. Most groups need longer breaks than the manual allows. Build in extra recovery time, and have one-on-one support available for participants who need it.

**5. The companion practice.** The [Heart Exercise](/library/class-race-stand-up) opens the day's framing. The [Truth Mandala](/library/truth-mandala) is often scheduled for the next day to hold the affect. The morning [Daily Check-In](/library/daily-check-in-practice) on the day after Gender Day is the integration moment; expect it to run long.

**6. The reckoning.** A group that runs Gender Day will hear, in the year after, that participants experienced the day differently than the facilitators intended. Some will feel seen for the first time. Some will feel exposed. Some will feel that the binary framing erased them. The honest path is to debrief at the facilitator level and to revise the practice based on what was heard.

## Living examples and entry points for community builders

**The Mankind Project's New Warrior Training Adventure.** Active globally, men's residential weekend with a long evolution since 1985. See [mankindproject.org](https://mankindproject.org).

**Sacred Sons and other contemporary men's work networks.** Active across the U.S. and Europe. Younger lineage than the Mankind Project. See [sacredsons.com](https://sacredsons.com).

**The Red Tent Temple Movement.** Active globally, women's monthly circles. See the Red Tent Movie's resources.

**Tamera women's and men's programmes.** Active at Tamera in Portugal, running multiple times a year. Closely related lineage.

**Trans-inclusive gender circle facilitator networks.** Newer and smaller, but growing. The Generative Somatics network includes facilitators who run trans-inclusive gender work. See [generativesomatics.org](https://generativesomatics.org).

Adjacent or inspired applications include the women-only and men-only circles in many 12-Step programmes (Codependents Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous), feminist consciousness-raising groups in the broader feminist tradition, and gender-affinity processing groups in many U.S. universities and therapeutic communities.

Entry points for someone building a community:

- Attend an existing single-gender residential weekend before designing your own. The Mankind Project's intro weekend or a Red Tent gathering are common starting points.
- Read the relevant sections of the JAM manual alongside more recent material on trans-inclusive gender work.
- Start with a single-gender circle in your community. The cross-gender fishbowl is a much later step.
- Find a co-facilitator from each gender circle (and, ideally, a non-binary co-facilitator) before scheduling the day.
- Build in real recovery time. The day is heavier than the schedule suggests.

**One caution.** Gender work in the binary frame the 2010 manual uses risks erasing trans and non-binary participants. Communities running a version of this practice in 2026 should treat the binary frame as a starting point to adapt from, not a structure to import. Several contemporary facilitator networks have explicit guidance on trans-inclusive adaptations. Use it.

## Where it gets hard

**The binary framing.** The 2010 manual is binary. The fishbowl format is binary. Participants who do not fit either circle will, in many cases, find the day actively excluding. Adaptation is real work and is often skipped.

**The intensity.** Nine to ten hours of structured gender work in one day is a lot. Many groups find the depth more than they can integrate in the time the JAM week allows. Some groups have moved to a two-day version.

**The participant who shuts down.** Gender Day will produce shutdown in some participants. The facilitator team needs a plan for participants who cannot stay in the room: a quiet space, a co-facilitator who can sit with them, and follow-up care.

**The cross-gender witnessing tension.** Some participants find the cross-gender witnessing healing. Others find it surveillant. The fishbowl form does not fully resolve this. Some communities have moved to fully separate single-gender days, with combined sessions only at the closing.

**The cultural mismatch.** The manual's framing of gender is U.S.-second-wave-feminist informed. Communities in other cultural contexts (East Asian, Middle Eastern, African) often find the framing both alien and centered. Adaptation is necessary and is not scripted.

**The "after" gap.** Like the Class-Race Exercise, Gender Day produces affect that needs somewhere to land. Without follow-up practices, the day can leave participants stirred up with no path forward. The Truth Mandala in the days after is one place to land; a longer-term mentoring or peer-circle structure is another.

## More resources

**Canonical primary sources.**
- *YES! Activities Facilitation Manual for Young Changemakers* (2010), item 115 (Gender Day Activities). The source for this entry.
- Sabine Lichtenfels, *Traumstein* (Verlag Meiga, 2007) and the Tamera women's work.
- Robert Bly, *Iron John* (Addison-Wesley, 1990). Foundational text for the men's-work tradition the JAM Gender Day draws from.

**Trainings and lineages.**
- The [Mankind Project](https://mankindproject.org) New Warrior Training.
- [Sacred Sons](https://sacredsons.com) for contemporary men's work.
- [Generative Somatics](https://generativesomatics.org) for trans-inclusive gender work.
- Tamera Peace Research Center residential programmes.

**Theoretical lineage.**
- bell hooks, *The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love* (Atria, 2004). On the male side.
- Audre Lorde, *Sister Outsider* (Crossing, 1984). On the intersectional feminist side.
- Susan Stryker, *Transgender History* (Seal, 2008). Foundational for trans-inclusive adaptations.

**Companion frameworks.**
- [The JAM Method](/library/the-jam-method) (the parent framework).
- [Class-Race Stand-Up and the Heart Exercise](/library/class-race-stand-up) (the partner practice on race and class).
- [Truth Mandala](/library/truth-mandala) (often scheduled to hold the affect raised by Gender Day).
- [Daily Check-In Practice](/library/daily-check-in-practice) (the integration practice on the day after).

**From the ToGather archive.** Tamera women's-circle and men's-circle interviews. Several Auroville interviews on gender in the community. Israeli kibbutz interviews on gender shifts across the kibbutz movement's history.